Preparing a Child for a Memorial Service

A funeral or memorial service can be an important step in processing the death of a family member or friend. Many cultures have specific traditions surrounding funerals and memorials, some of which may or may not include children.

If appropriate to your family’s culture or tradition, children can be given the choice whether or not to attend the service. Before asking the child to decide:

Explain the purpose of the service to the child. For example, share with the children a funeral or memorial service is a place for family and friends to gather together and celebrate the life of the person who died. A funeral or memorial service also creates a place for people to remember and to grieve.

Be sure to explain to the child what he or she can expect from the service. Examples include readings, music, rituals, and who will be there. It can be helpful to describe what the room will look like, (including an open or closed casket, or what an urn is) and how long the service will last.

Clearly explain what behavior you expect from the child and let him or her know how others may respond at the gathering. For example: “At the beginning of the service I need you to sit with me quietly. I want you to know some people may cry and give lots of hugs. It’s okay to cry and hug people if you want.”

Consider having a trusted adult sit with the child in case they have questions or a desire to leave or take a break.

If a child chooses not to attend the service, have someone record or photograph the memorial or service for future viewing. Children may have questions or a desire to view it in the coming days and years.

For the consideration of children attending the service, you might want to ask the person leading the service to offer a time just for the children. Stories, songs, special readings, and explanations are often very helpful to grieving children.

Examples of ways to include children in rituals, services, and memorials

You may encourage them to:

• Participate in planning the service
• Light a candle in memory
• Create a photo display board
• Participate in the family’s rituals
  • You may have to explain to your child what a ritual is and why it is important to your family. It may help to explain a ritual as “something done a certain way that is special to our family.”
• Offer a parting gift
  • The child may like to write a letter or pick a toy to be buried with the person who died.
• Take a specific role at the funeral, such as greeting or giving out programs
• Write a poem or story about the person who died
• Play favorite music
• Share memories of the person who died with friends and family
• Create a memory box of items that were special
• Honor a favorite tradition
• Read aloud their favorite story
• Make food for the guests