Helping children and teens cope with grief
The questions your children ask and the concerns they raise inform you how they are processing their grief. What children need is caring adults who will help them find ways to talk about their experiences. They often need help putting names on what they feel and think, without judgement or correction.
How you can help
Be open and honest with your feelings. It’s ok to cry in front of your child. Grief can be messy. Talk about your feelings with your child and encourage them to share their feelings with you.
You are your child’s primary role model. How you connect with your grief will help your children learn to express theirs.
Honor each child, recognizing that each individual experiences grief in his/her own way.
Use words like die and death. Young children are very literal and will tell you to go find someone that is “lost.”
Magical thoughts are a normal part of a child’s thinking. Children frequently do not understand the circumstances of a death and often feel somehow responsible.
Young children are often unable to understand the finality of death. As a result, they may repeatedly ask you to tell them the “story” of the death. It means that the child is working on his/her grief.
Use the name of the person who died when referring to him/her.
Include your child in discussions about and plans for family rituals. Allow your child to make some decisions about participation in family rituals.
Read children’s books related to death and discuss them with your child.
Read books yourself on helping children through grief.
Encourage your child to ask questions and honestly respond to the question at a level s/he will understand. Listen to what your child is telling or asking you.
It is okay to say you don’t know the answer to every question.
Maintain regular routines as much as possible. Even keeping mealtimes, the same can make a big difference.
If your child asks whether you will die, respond honestly. No matter how much you want to reassure children, they can see through false promises. A sample response is, “Everybody dies someday, but I hope to live to do things with our family for a long time.” Reassure your child that those who love him/her still do, and they that will take care of him/her.
Be generous with hugs and gentle, supportive touch. This gives the child a sense of caring, security, and support.
Allow your child to fully experience his/her grief. Do not isolate your child from the experience of grief. Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.
Children cannot tolerate long periods of sadness. This often means that they will want to play and participate in their usual activities – even on the day of the funeral. This desire for play and normalcy does not mean that children don’t care or are being disrespectful. Instead, it is a normal, healthy, developmentally appropriate response.
Help your child remember the deceased person. Talk about mutual events such as vacations and activities that were shared between the child and the person who died.
Recognize that grief is unpredictable, and anything can trigger it.
Remember your child may revisit the feelings of loss as they grow and develop and mature in their ability to understand.
Set realistic goals with children concerning their behavior, school performance, and homework. Recognize that grief often causes a lack of concentration, and the child may, at times, be distracted and unable to function. (Sound familiar?)
Talk with the school counselor and teacher with the goal of devising a plan of action for during the school day, when your child/teen is feeling overwhelmed. Maybe include a special signal that alerts the teacher when the child/teen feels the need to take a break. Include in the plan with staff how the child/teen will reenter the class and the routine of school.
Additional resources for grieving families
Contact us
For more information about Bridges Center for Grieving Children, call 253-403-1966.